'Attachment in Detachment' by Sudha Murthy
It was a normal morning, as usual, I was reading while having a cup of tea. I discovered this wonderful piece of advice by a woman, a mother that really has put end to all my anxieties as a young mother of growing kids. I am sharing it as it was so that all like me can practice attachment in detachment.
A must must read for all parents...
When my daughter, the older of my two, wed and left home, I felt a part of me gone.
With a daughter and a son, I know what both meant, differently.
When she was in her teens I felt as if she was my "physical extension" !
So when she left home to set up her own, I felt I lost a limb.
Next time she came to stay with us, I was astonished how her priorities had changed.
We too must've given the same shocks to our own parents !
When she said Amma, she meant her mother-in-law, not me!
I felt she was always in a hurry to go back to her house and not stay with me for a few more days.
That was the first time, it dawned on me that I have to start practising detachment with attachment.
Two years after my daughter’s marriage, my son left for higher studies to US.
Having experienced a child's separation once, I was better equipped emotionally.
I plunged head long into various classes held in the city starting from vedanta to healing to ikebana - I just wanted to be away from home..since my husband was a 24/7 workaholic.
My son used to write how he was missing my home cooked food, how he was waiting to come back to live in Chennai with us...
After a few years, he did come back and we got him married.
He started living separately with his wife and we were also happy that they wanted to be independant from the beginning...
But now, it was all changed !
When in the U S, he missed my cooking, now if I called him to come over with his wife for a meal, it was always some excuse like,
"Oh Amma, we have other plans for the day, please don't mistake us if we don't drop in today!"
I could see that his priorities had also changed completely.
We talk so many things and give so much advice to others, but when it comes to our own children, acceptance comes very late. Our next step is to just leave them undisturbed in every way.
It was at that time, that I made the following, my 'New profile'.
In all my relationships, rather interactions, I give my best and do my best to live up to what I say.
My attachment with them is complete.
However, I remain detached in the sense that I do not expect them to reciprocate my affection.
Most importantly, I make a conscious effort, not to interfere or pass judgements on the lives they chose to lead.
My concern for my near and dear ones will not fade with my detachment.
If you let go of the ones you love, they will never go away –This is the beauty of attachment with detachment!
I have learnt to love and let go.
This dictum has developed tolerance in me.
When I let the people live the way they want to, I learn to accept them for what they are.
Most importantly, I learnt to tolerate the world around me and this tolerance brought in me a sense of peace and contentment.
Since both my children live in Chennai, I follow this very strictly, you know why!
Now I have realised that we start growing mentally much more only after the children leave the house and we have to tackle the emotional vacuum, that arises, along with age-related problems.
I specially dedicate this post to my friends, who are totally dependent on their children's lives, to nurture their own selves emotionally.
Please develop your own interests and hobbies, however, mundane they seem to be.
We must learn to love whatever we do instead of doing whatever we love !!
-Written by Sudha Murthy wife of Narayan Murthy