‘Attachment in Detachment’ by Sudha Murthy 852

It was a normal morning, as usual, I was reading while having a cup of tea. I discovered this wonderful piece of advice by a woman, a mother that really has put end to all my anxieties as a young mother of growing kids. I am sharing it as it was so that all like me can practice attachment in detachment.

A must must read for all parents…

When my daughter, the older of my two, wed and left home, I felt a part of me gone.

With a daughter and a son, I know what both meant, differently.

When she was in her teens I felt as if she was my “physical extension” !

So when she left home to set up her own, I felt I lost a limb.

Next time she came to stay with us, I was astonished how her priorities had changed.

We too must’ve given the same shocks to our own parents !

When she said Amma, she meant her mother-in-law, not me!

I felt she was always in a hurry to go back to her house and not stay with me for a few more days.

That was the first time, it dawned on me that I have to start practising detachment with attachment.

Two years after my daughter’s marriage, my son left for higher studies to US.

Having experienced a child’s separation once, I was better equipped emotionally.

I plunged head long into various classes held in the city starting from vedanta to healing to ikebana – I just wanted to be away from home..since my husband was a 24/7 workaholic.

My son used to write how he was missing my home cooked food, how he was waiting to come back to live in Chennai with us…

After a few years, he did come back and we got him married.

He started living separately with his wife and we were also happy that they wanted to be independant from the beginning…

But now, it was all changed !

When in the U S, he missed my cooking, now if I called him to come over with his wife for a meal, it was always some excuse like,

“Oh Amma, we have other plans for the day, please don’t mistake us if we don’t drop in today!”

I could see that his priorities had also changed completely.

We talk so many things and give so much advice to others, but when it comes to our own children, acceptance comes very late. Our next step is to just leave them undisturbed in every way.

It was at that time, that I made the following, my ‘New profile’.

In all my relationships, rather interactions, I give my best and do my best to live up to what I say.

My attachment with them is complete.

However, I remain detached in the sense that I do not expect them to reciprocate my affection.

Most importantly, I make a conscious effort, not to interfere or pass judgements on the lives they chose to lead.

My concern for my near and dear ones will not fade with my detachment.

If you let go of the ones you love, they will never go away –This is the beauty of attachment with detachment!

I have learnt to love and let go.

This dictum has developed tolerance in me.

When I let the people live the way they want to, I learn to accept them for what they are.

Most importantly, I learnt to tolerate the world around me and this tolerance brought in me a sense of peace and contentment.

Since both my children live in Chennai, I follow this very strictly, you know why!

Now I have realised that we start growing mentally much more only after the children leave the house and we have to tackle the emotional vacuum, that arises, along with age-related problems.

I specially dedicate this post to my friends, who are totally dependent on their children’s lives, to nurture their own selves emotionally.

Please develop your own interests and hobbies, however, mundane they seem to be.

We must learn to love whatever we do instead of doing whatever we love !!

-Written by Sudha Murthy wife of Narayan Murthy

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“I Fear a Relapse”, Says Deepika Padukone. 1357

The trailer of the most awaited Padmavati movie was released making us wait on a tiptoe for the movie to be released soon which is actually on December 1st, 2017 (See the trailer here). While on-screen Rani Padmini fights for her honor, the actress who plays the role, Deepika Padukone is fighting altogether a different battle in her real life.

While shooting for the Happy New Year movie, Deepika was fighting her inner battle of depression. Although she did not realize it then. Her mother who came to visit felt there was something wrong and requested Anna Chandy, a psychiatrist from Bengaluru to talk to her daughter. Though Deepika ignored it for a period of time, she finally recognized her problem and took steps to cure it. However, in a recent event, while talking about the Jauhar scene of Rani Padmini in the movie Padmavati, she revealed that she lives in a constant fear of a relapse of depression. She said “ I don’t think, I am completely over it. There is always a fear of relapse as that phase when it happened is the worst experience in my life”.

Since her opening up about her condition in public, there are numerous articles written about depression and there are plenty of suggestion available for someone who is looking for help. But, the truth is a lot many of the population who are suffering from depression do not know that they have it and they need help. Most of them try to think it is nothing but stress, fatigue and they are over-worked.

Like Deepika said in one of her interviews earlier while talking about her feelings during the time, being sad and being depressed are two different things. When someone is sad, they look sad, but when someone is depressed, most of the times they hide it. They try to behave normally while the feeling of emptiness keeps nagging at them. You do not have to be poor or have to lose something in life to be depressed. Sometimes the feeling of depression has no reason.

How to recognize the signs?

When someone is depressed, you may notice certain changes in them. Such as,

  • Less interested in daily activities
  • Loss of appetite and weight changes (can lose or gain)
  • being angry and irritable most of the times
  • less energised
  • self-loathing
  • reckless behaviors
  • Change in sleeping patterns

These are some of the changes we notice in a depressed person, not for few days but on a regular basis. If you spot these in someone or if you are facing it yourself, get help. There is no age or gender who are affected by depression.

Recognizing and understanding the symptoms of depression is the first step to finding a solution. Once you know, meet a good psychiatrist and get help. There is no shame in finding help to cure a mental illness. We meet our doctors for physical illness. In the same way, sometimes our mind also need that extra help too.

Do not, I repeat do not ever be afraid to ask for help!!! Because you might be surprised that there are so many good people around you who really care and want to help you.

Marriage – the funniest ironical institution in India 221

Many people would not be able to figure out the mistake in the following figure. Well, there is no grammatical mistake, there is no printing error or any other fault in it. If you still haven’t figured it out, I have an answer for you, I would like you to face the ironical reality of the modern world or the 21st century where the thoughts and ideologies of Paleolithic age still prevails.

Women have always been considered as a pillar of the society, we have given her various names, we worship her, pamper her and consider her to be the live giver; there is nothing wrong in it. However, it blows my mind to see such kind of ideas still prevail in the society. I personally feel that a woman gets a chance to change her life, the first time she is born, the second time her life changes when she gets married and the third time she changes her life when she gives birth to a new life. But, amidst all this ebb and flow of life cycle, why is there a question that she needs to answer every time. Why is there a need to prove that she can equally love her parent and in-laws? Well, if you feel that I am proclaiming something different, then you must have a look at the picture here.

I find arrange marriages to be the funniest institution in India. Irrespective of the fact that I am a party to it, I still believe that it has some funny traditions and beliefs flowing in it. I would like to highlight a few-

  • The first thing that we say in India is, “Shaadi hamesha barabari ke khaandaan mein honi chahiye (One should get married in a family who is equal in status with the other),” Well, if that is true, why this equivalence is only restricted to money, why no one questions on thoughts, beliefs, ideas, vision etc. Yes, money is important to run a family, but imagine a situation where you have a big house, a big car etc. but both husband and wife are never on the same page. Is that the mantra for a happy married life? At least I don’t feel so.
  • Another popular phrase which we commonly here during the marriage is that “Shaadi to parivaaro ka mail hai ( Marriage is not between two people, it is the bonding of two families,” if that is so, why a girl has to put her in-laws first and ignore her parents. If that’s not the truth, I would again request you to run through the picture above. Why can’t both the families co-exist. Although, things are changing, the ground reality is different.
  • One of the common things I have heard is, “ Ladki ko sasural ke hisab se adjust karna chahiye (girl must learn to compromise and live as per her in-laws and husband),” there is nothing wrong in it and I too believe in it, but what if we tweaked this scenario, like both the parties can make slight adjustments so that everyone is happy and the guy or the husband doesn’t have to take sides.

What I have written is not new or neither revolutionary, I have actually started to find our society to be hilarious. We are never in a phase to create an equal world, rather we always pester on the fact that one has to be above, I think this hierarchical ideology is still haunting us since the time of Britishers. I don’t know how much change will come in the times to come, but, even if one person transforms after reading this, I will feel content.