I blamed everyone, and everything, but I can’t bring back my child. 6661

It was Saturday morning and I was awakened by his hugs and kisses. As always, I woke up late, as it was 9 o’clock in the morning already. He was up early, did his morning routine and went back to bed just so when I wake up he is next to me. I’ve spent more time in bed with him, morning kiss, big hugs and I finally got up and made him breakfast.

After we ate, we got out of the house to feed our dogs and play with them. That’s when I noticed that I really have to clean our backyard. I’ve been so lazy that I was always telling myself “later” and a week later I still didn’t do it.
While he was playing with our three dogs, one grumpy German Shepherd and two naughty Belgian Shepherd, I started picking up the clutter that they made, swept the dried leaves and that’s when I noticed that the weed overtook our garden.

I remember clearly as it was just yesterday, how beautiful our garden was, full of different kinds of blooming orchids, different colors of roses, and many more lively and beautiful flowers and plants. Just perfectly beautiful and alive. So far from what I am seeing now. Dead plants and green tall weeds, instead of green plants and colorful flowers.

I stopped caring for our garden because our 3 dogs used to jump over the garden fence and eat the flowers, or dig the plants out and kill it. At first, I would always plant them back and try to save them, but it was like every time I do it, dogs will dig it back out again, (grrrr, so wicked)! It made me angry and I just let them dig more and never laid my eyes on our garden again.

Now as I am looking at it and thinking, my garden is like my life, once it was so beautiful, full of happiness, full of life. Relationship with my man wasn’t perfect but we worked on it until we made it perfect for us. Yes, we had our flaws, but we accepted it and learn how to correct them.

When I got pregnant, it made our relationship stronger. It was so beautiful that I couldn’t ask for more. We were perfectly happy. You know when you feel like every day of your life was full of excitement and dreams, talking about the future with your baby? There are days that other people will give you headaches because of their stupidity, but at the end of the day, you both just laugh it off because there’s more to life than that ignorance. It feels like your baby is the cure for all unpleasant things that are trying to break you and ruin your daily life.

Then she was taken from you, and all you can see is failures, stupid things, mistakes. All you feel is pain, grief, and hatred. How can you live after your life was taken from you? How can you see a beautiful future if that future became your ugly past? How can you find meaning in your life again? Would you want to continue living?

6 months ago, my life has ended when our daughter was taken from us without any signs. Can anyone or anything make you prepare for that kind of pain? Every day, I wished I could do something to bring her back. Every night I wished I will never wake up. There is not a day that I wish that it should just be me, and not her. Not a day that I did not blame myself, maybe there is something I could do, or maybe there’s something I didn’t do. I blamed the doctors for not saving her, heck! they did not even have an explanation why it happened to her, they can’t tell me the reason! She was healthy from day one, all her tests and my tests were great. I blamed my OB for not taking her time to check me, that she was always in a hurry when I visited her.

I blamed everyone and everything, but I can’t bring back my child. I can’t bring back the happiness I had. Just like my garden, I blamed our dogs but it won’t bring back my beautiful garden, it won’t bring back the flowers to bloom, it won’t bring the withered plants back to life.

What we need are courage and perseverance. Yes, we can blame everyone but it won’t bring back our lost child to us, instead, we can take small steps to bring back our life. Yes, it won’t be as beautiful as it was in the past but if we just take those steps every day, I know we can make our lives beautiful again. Just like my garden, I won’t be able to bring back how it looked like before, but pulling out the weeds, cleaning and watering it every day, planting new plants and flowers, and make the fence stronger, in no time I can make my garden beautiful again.
This is my message to you. Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming everybody. Make those steps forward, I am not saying it is easy, because it is not, its damn difficult! However, you have to do it. There is no life without difficulty, and there is no garden without weeds. Slowly take off all the heavy baggage in your life, start living again, pull out the ugly weeds, replace the withered plants with new ones. Before you know it, you’re slowly healing. Start fresh, and live your life again.

This is my message to you. Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming everybody. Make those steps forward, I am not saying it is easy, because it is not, its damn difficult! However, you have to do it. There is no life without difficulty, and there is no garden without weeds. Slowly take off all the heavy baggage in your life, start living again, pull out the ugly weeds, replace the withered plants with new ones. Before you know it, you’re slowly healing. Start fresh, and live your life again.

I’m still in the process of healing, but with the help of my unmarried husband, I’m taking one little step every day toward making our life beautiful again. How about you?


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This little girl is afraid of lights…. WHY?? Watch the video! 232

A couple of days back I and my daughter witnessed an accident of a man with his child driving on a bike. Lot many people gathered at the spot and some helped the victims. I and my daughter stopped and helped the child who did not have any major wounds but was scarred here and there and was bleeding a little. The man too, but his back was hit badly to the road divider. Probably, I am afraid the inside damage may take some time to be revealed, though I hope he will be healed fully. The public started judging that the father must have lost control. Either he was driving with high speed or was on the phone while driving.

The truth was none of these reasons and the father had no mistake. The mistake was the car that sped away which drove in front of him while they were on the road in opposite direction. The father was at normal speed but when the car took a left turn and the high beam light blinded the father and he could not open his eyes. This made him lose control as he was caught suddenly. The car driver did not realize what he did or how he became a reason for someone to fall and so he just drove away. Luckily the father and daughter did not have any much damage, but what if something serious happened? Who is responsible for it?

Dear people, most vehicles have an option to dimmer your headlights. While driving in city limits keep your headlights dim and when in a darker and outskirts place you can make it higher. Many do not realize this and drive without even bothering about it. Please, do not be a reason of someone’s death knowingly or unknowingly. Do not take away a child’s father or mother just because you were too ignorant to check your headlights while driving. Here is a beautiful video that explains what I am talking. Share with your family and friends and spread the awareness. Because like you many just do not realize and once they know, I am sure people will be careful.

“I Fear a Relapse”, Says Deepika Padukone. 1379

The trailer of the most awaited Padmavati movie was released making us wait on a tiptoe for the movie to be released soon which is actually on December 1st, 2017 (See the trailer here). While on-screen Rani Padmini fights for her honor, the actress who plays the role, Deepika Padukone is fighting altogether a different battle in her real life.

While shooting for the Happy New Year movie, Deepika was fighting her inner battle of depression. Although she did not realize it then. Her mother who came to visit felt there was something wrong and requested Anna Chandy, a psychiatrist from Bengaluru to talk to her daughter. Though Deepika ignored it for a period of time, she finally recognized her problem and took steps to cure it. However, in a recent event, while talking about the Jauhar scene of Rani Padmini in the movie Padmavati, she revealed that she lives in a constant fear of a relapse of depression. She said “ I don’t think, I am completely over it. There is always a fear of relapse as that phase when it happened is the worst experience in my life”.

Since her opening up about her condition in public, there are numerous articles written about depression and there are plenty of suggestion available for someone who is looking for help. But, the truth is a lot many of the population who are suffering from depression do not know that they have it and they need help. Most of them try to think it is nothing but stress, fatigue and they are over-worked.

Like Deepika said in one of her interviews earlier while talking about her feelings during the time, being sad and being depressed are two different things. When someone is sad, they look sad, but when someone is depressed, most of the times they hide it. They try to behave normally while the feeling of emptiness keeps nagging at them. You do not have to be poor or have to lose something in life to be depressed. Sometimes the feeling of depression has no reason.

How to recognize the signs?

When someone is depressed, you may notice certain changes in them. Such as,

  • Less interested in daily activities
  • Loss of appetite and weight changes (can lose or gain)
  • being angry and irritable most of the times
  • less energised
  • self-loathing
  • reckless behaviors
  • Change in sleeping patterns

These are some of the changes we notice in a depressed person, not for few days but on a regular basis. If you spot these in someone or if you are facing it yourself, get help. There is no age or gender who are affected by depression.

Recognizing and understanding the symptoms of depression is the first step to finding a solution. Once you know, meet a good psychiatrist and get help. There is no shame in finding help to cure a mental illness. We meet our doctors for physical illness. In the same way, sometimes our mind also need that extra help too.

Do not, I repeat do not ever be afraid to ask for help!!! Because you might be surprised that there are so many good people around you who really care and want to help you.