The teachings of the so-called ‘culture’ led me to believe that I owed my husband sex.
Right from the age when I could understand this relationship, elders especially women of the family started instilling this in my mind that ‘it’ was his due, and that if I didn’t give him sex, he would look elsewhere. When I was about to get married, I was taught that it was my duty – as his wife to do this for my husband. Or else he might, you know, may seek sex elsewhere. This may lead to the end of your marriage.
My mom gave me a book to read called ‘ Created To Be His Helpmeet’ by Debi Pearl just before my marriage to make it more and more clear in my mind. The book says…..
- A wise woman gauges her husband’s needs. She seeks to fulfill his desires before even he is aware of them. She never leaves him daydreaming outside the home. She supplies his every desire. (p. 167)
- God created man with a regular need for a woman, and God commanded the man’s wife to see to it that his need is met. Do yourself and everyone else a favor, and devote at least 15 minutes every few days to totally pleasing your man. (p. 168)
- You were created to make him complete, not to seek personal fulfillment parallel to him.(pg 21)
- When a woman’s first commitment is to her own needs and feelings, she is necessarily going to view sex as strictly a carnal experience, But if a woman views sex as a ministry to her husband, then it is a selfless act of benevolence. (p. 169)
- Don’t talk to me about how uncomfortable or painful it is for you. Do you think your body is special and has special needs? Do you know who created you, and do you know he is the same God who expects you to freely give sex to your husband? Stop the excuses! (p. 170)
and much more………
Scared enough, I got married with all these teachings in my mind. For me, love is giving up your center, your self-interest. It is choosing your husband’s needs above your own. For me, to defraud my husband of his vital need that God has instilled in him will cause me to tremble in fear of the consequences.
The ceremonies were like a soldier’s farewell who’s about to be posted on the border to face the war. And the irony was, the soldier has to surrender every time there’s an attack. I know its funny to compare sex as an attack in marriage but that’s what everybody made me perceive.
And I got posted on the border I mean I got married. Then comes that moment, when me and my husband were left alone in that room.
I was nervous but ready for it. I was trembling but I was ready for that sacrifice this time and each time in future.
Like we keep repeating answers in our minds when we are going to give school exams, I was murmuring my lessons in my mind….
Men need sex, and it’s the wife’s duty to freely give sex to her husband. If she doesn’t, she is a fool and should “tremble in fear at the consequences.” And of course, if you’re not interested in sex, you have to give it to him anyway, and you can’t let him know you’re not interested. You can’t let him know that you’re not actually interested in sex – that would be a halfhearted response, and would leave him unfulfilled!
And in between that mental chaos, there comes a voice …“Do you want to have sex tonight?”
And I thought…Oh shit! I have done something wrong, something wrong in my expressions, why is he asking me that? That’s his right!! and said,” Yes, I will do as you say”.
But, this wasn’t what my husband wanted.
He said,” See, it’s not necessary to have it today. We will do it only if you wish to.”
I was like….WHAT??? Is he a man???
I said,” But I owe you that, I am your wife”. He laughed and laughed and said,”No, you govern your own body, you decide when, where, how, and if you want to have sex.”
To my surprise, he didn’t want to have sex with me if I didn’t want to have sex for myself, and he didn’t want me to fake enjoying sex or to say I was up for sex if I wasn’t interested. And he meant that.
With time, I began to work on changing how I viewed sex. I stopped saying “yes” just because I thought I was supposed to. Now, when I say “yes” my husband knows it’s because I honestly want him. Old thought patterns, though, are hard to kill. I still feel guilty when I say “no” to sex. But I’m working on it. 😉
I wasted way too much time listening to the flawed teachings of the so-called ‘culture’ that I was fed as a girl, a teen, and a young woman. All I want to say here is, “Debi Pearl really doesn’t know anything about men” and neither the old women of the family.
Don’t get married with any preconceptions about sex in your mind. Marriage is all about love, understanding and care and no partner owes anything to the other.