“Time heals everything”, I’ve often heard people saying this. Does time really heal the pain?
I don’t think so.
With each passing day, we feel the pain even more and more till we become numb or we are gifted with the bigger pain.
If I recall, the first time I became gloomy was when we were leaving our grandparents house and were shifting to a new house. Though it was nearby still I was saddened for a very long period of time. I used to sleep with my grandmom and suddenly I had to sleep alone. My parents thought I am happy to have my own space but actually, I wasn’t. Till date am not. I still hate sleeping alone.
Another incident that comes to my mind is when I reached class 5th my father gifted me an ink pen and I lost it. I felt the pain not because I lost a pen but because my father specially bought it for me and while gifting me he said “Finally my beta is a big girl now. Write well because you will not be able to erase anything from now on” happiness on his face was worth capturing. I lost it and for months and months, I kept searching it. I was crestfallen.
I was a good student but when somehow I scored less than expected marks in class 10th. My parents looked at me with huge disappointment. My mother said “You will never be able to rectify this, these marks people will ask you wherever you go” and she was correct, I had to show my 10th mark sheet even when I was sitting for my college placement after completing my masters.
And sometimes I feel the pain and ‘me’ go hand in hand. Time actually didn’t cure anything instead gave me “better” reasons to cry upon.
I am 30 now and this time I’ve been gifted with something which I believe is called more than “pain” or the undeniable pain.
Six years back I met ‘him’ in my office. There was something magical in the first meeting itself. Ah! I won’t call in love at first sight but it was miraculous. His looks were not very appealing, he was neither the perfect Mills or Boons hero nor was he a muscular hunk. But he was a gentleman, He treated everyone alike. He greeted the guard with same grace the way he treated the manager. I think that’s what attracted me may be. He was very ground to earth.
We started as friends and then after three months, he proposed me for marriage. As soon as he asked my hand for marriage I told the same to my parents. They were against it because he was of different caste and the first time I realized how society is going to kill my dreams now. I am still haunted by her words. My mom said “How can you even think of marrying him. We don’t care how suitable or bad he is, all I know is he is not of our caste. “From looking after my happiness to looking after society’s happiness, I realized I’ve grown up. Since that day there was no looking back. My parents kept on finding matches for me and I kept on rejecting them.
I saw my parents’ health deteriorating but I couldn’t give up on him. But I never blackmailed them, never raised my voice instead I patiently tried to convince them.
I went through a lot in these six years. My parents didn’t talk with me, my grandparents were finding so many matches for me as they knew nothing, I must have seen more than fifty matches, I had to fight for my own individuality with him as well but I thought everything I can bear as long as he is with me.
“Don’t wear this, don’t speak with him, don’t go here don’t’ go there etc “, I thought these are normal fights that will be fine once am married. Moreover, I hate breaking relations so instead of moving on I tried to mend everything every time.
I also made him realize the value of his parents, his religion, his friends, his career. I stood by him through thick and thin. Because one thing I was sure of that he won’t ever leave me. I blindly trusted him.
I even became palsy-walsy with his family. They loved me very much. I used to spend time with his family often. Unlike me, he refused to see any girl for matrimony. He was waiting for me.
I knew my parents loved him too but society was the bothering them. I was trying hard for everything.
But from few months things were changing. I felt he was taking me for granted. I sometimes felt being avoided. He was totally dipped in work.
Last month, I was in New York for some official work. I still remember that cold evening.
I was sitting in a coffee shop as I was tired of spending hours and hours on his birthday shopping. He was on my mind and smile on my face made it evident that I was missing him. And then his name flashed on my phone. I jumped out of joy.
“Hi, where are you?” he asked in his disturbed tone.
I got worried. All my happiness became restless too.
“I am at a coffee shop, is everything okay?” I questioned him in a restless tone.
“Reach back and call me ASAP” he replied and disconnected the call.
I got tensed and rushed towards my hotel.
The moment I reached my room I called him.
“Say what happened?” I asked.
“See whatever I am going to say, Listen & Understand before reacting”.
I was losing my calm. “Speak up, ” I said
“My parents have fixed my marriage. “ He responded with a sad tone.
“ No No NO.. What? How can they do that.” My heartbeat stopped for a moment.
“See understand your parents won’t agree & I can’t spoil their health anymore. This is the first girl my parents have seen & I have said yes without even meeting her. No point dragging this relationship. Your family won’t agree. You need to settle down soon you are 30 now. Your parents are keeping unwell. This was bound to happen if not today then some other day. Better to quit. I know you are hurt but gradually you will understand my pain also. This society will not let your parents say yes to me. ” He said calmly.
“When are you getting married?” I asked him in shattered tone.
“June 28th” He whispered.
I disconnected. I was numb for few seconds and then I cried on top of my voice.
In last one month, all I did was, keeping my self-respect aside, I pleaded with his family and him to stop this. They can’t punish me for loving him so much.
These days people in the office look at me with sympathy. Their eyes and smile kill me inside.
Today, I feel dodged. Whom to blame? My parents, his family, him, myself or this society.
The agony that I am going through is beyond words. I cannot pen down the exact feeling. I feel depressed, suffocated and dead. My parents taunt me saying “Look at him if he can be so respectful towards his family that he agreed at once, why couldn’t you. You have let us down. You are 30 now. From where should we get you good matches”.
Now I’ve to hide my tears, my pain and show my parents that am ready for marriage.
Time will heal everything. People console me.
Will time put back together, my broken heart?
Will time give me my six years back?
Will time give back my parent’s health?
Will time rebuild my trust in relationships?
Will time make me fall in love again?
No, I don’t think so…….. Time Heals Nothing!!